Do you know your love language? A recent post on one of my favorite blogs reminded me of the Gary Chapman book, “The 5 Love Languages,” that I read in high school. Even though I could remember my love language, per the book’s test, I decided to take the quiz again to make sure—perhaps the way I feel most loved and appreciated had changed in the past decade.
So I took the 30-question survey and found that while some
things change, many things stay the same—my love language being no exception.
My primary love language is Words of Affirmation, which was
not really a surprise in high school but now that I know myself (and myself in
relationships) even better, it’s definitely no surprise today. Hearing “I love
you,” “I’m proud of you,” “I appreciate you,” etc., are definitely the things
that mean the most to me. I enjoy a thoughtful gift, quality time together or
my hubby doing the dishes, but I feel most loved when he tells me he loves me. And it really sends me over the moon if he
tells me why. Perhaps it’s the writer
in me, but loving words and frequent, intimate communication is what satisfies
me emotionally and fills up my love tank. Even when GT and I fight (our
“fights” are more serious discussions than screaming matches), I feel more
connected to him and more positive about our relationship because we’ve
expressed and talked about our feelings, good or bad.
As I did 10+ years ago, I also scored highly in Physical
Touch, making it my secondary love language. For me, it’s non-sexual physical
touch that is most meaningful. I get warm, fuzzy feelings when GT holds my
hand, strokes my hair or gives me a kiss on the forehead, and when we cuddle on
the couch while watching TV. Those simple actions make me feel safe and cared
for. It’s nice to know someone wants to be around you and close to you,
especially when the endgame isn’t getting you into bed. I think I made mistakes
in past relationships because I longed to simply be held—and that led to giving
too much away. Of course, sex is a happy part of my marriage, but a good
morning kiss or a hug when I’m sad is just as beneficial to my relationship as
a romp in the sack. (I’m a little embarrassed writing that knowing my mother
reads this blog but, oh well! Keeping it real.)
Many couples can face conflict when each person speaks a
different love language. It’s natural to show
love the way that you feel loved, but
that’s not always the best way to make your partner feel appreciated if they
don’t share the same love language.
I kindly asked my husband to take “The 5 Love Languages” test
(that guy, he’s a trouper, it took hardly any convincing!) and fortunately, and
somewhat surprisingly, we share the same love language. We didn’t have the
exact same results, but we both had top scores in Words of Affirmation, with
Physical Touch as a close second. We are lucky in that the way we feel most
loved is often how we show love, too. Nevertheless, it is helpful to be aware
of that fact. As much as I desire loving words from my husband, he needs to
hear kind, encouraging and positive words as well. And if I want to hold hands
or cuddle, I shouldn’t be upset if he isn’t reading my mind—he actually may be
waiting for me to make the first move!
Chapman explained the importance of knowing and
understanding your love language best:
Knowing how you prefer to be loved is important for your relationship. It’s romantic to think your partner should just know how to love you—but it’s also a bit unrealistic, and can even be unfair to expect something from your partner if you’re not willing to tell him/her how you prefer to be loved and appreciated in your relationship.
Have you heard of “The 5 Love Languages” and do you know
yours and/or your partner’s? If you take the quiz (for couples and for singles), I’d be interested to hear
your results and reactions. Relationships can be hard and certainly take work, and I look at
this as just another tool we can use to make sure we are being the best loving
partners we can be.
(Top and bottom images from my wedding, taken by heidi-o-photo. Second image from my 5 Love Languages profile.)
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